I won’t post this on social media, but I will post it here.
I will post it here because here is where I am practicing my leadership, here is where I am trying hard to let go of what or who I am supposed to be and just standing in who I am. This “am” is messy sometimes, and I hope that sharing the messy is the message that someone who stumbles across this needs or that my own kids need as they navigate life. Messy is one part of it, not all of it or always, but a part of it.
This image and this video were made in the very same week. On the left I am wandering the crooked alley ways of the medina in Essaouira, Morocco. I am soft, relaxed and feeling, just a little bit, like someone special. This is not caused by anything in particular but a natural response to being both led and followed by a paid photographer. I have become tired of the multitudes of selfies on my phone and spending a little money on an airbnb “photoshoot experience” felt like a good opportunity to try something new, have something new… a few full body, full in life, photos. Although tremendously embarrassing to stroll the touristy streets and “act casual” with the rapid fire clicks of the camera feeling loud and anything but natural, I figured that I could do anything for two hours. The resulting “five favorites” show me as who I feel like I am when I’m the loving, lucky, beautiful for 50, carefree and special me. This feeling reflected in photos is all big heart and gratitude, and I smile when they come across my camera feed.
A week later, home in Mexico again and feeling the weight of all that I have wagered on the belief that the work that I do matters, I received the email to let me know that although I had made it to the finals of the TED Educator talks, I ultimately wasn’t chosen. There must be a template that you can search for these kinds of messages because they all seem to start and end the same, “Thank you for the time and energy you put forth… Unfortunately, at this time, we will not be moving forward with your application.” On the right, is a video that I recorded without knowing why but now I think that I recorded it because I had absolutely nowhere to go with my pain in the moment, it felt like recording it was a certain way of bearing witness.
I really want to say that it’s no big deal, that even now a few weeks later when life has moved on that it doesn’t matter so much, but it is a big deal for me. I really wanted it, I wanted the opportunity to stand on a stage and share the passion that I have for supporting our students and educators to develop new kinds of thinking skills. I wanted to stand on stage and in some way prove to myself that the endless hours of building this organization are being acknowledged and recognized, not just my hours but the 100’s of people who have dedicated their precious free time to supporting this work. They matter, it does matter as much as we all believe it does. Standing on the TED stage would have felt like a certain kind of redemption. I think that is what I wanted, redemption… and launch.
I am finding it so incredibly hard to find the runway for this project. I am inclined to begin to think, at this point and considering how much I believe in the work, that the roadblock is me. It’s hard to hold that reflection in a way that is honest and doesn’t just suck. In the past few weeks I have observed how this “I’m the problem” mantra seems to be seeping into every nook and cranny of my “not good enough” categories… it is so interesting how we color our moments by the light that we shine on them.
I don’t have a neat package to tie this all up in. I do know that most days I feel inspired and energized and committed to the work that I do. There are other days that feel like I’m spinning sideways. I get a sense that most people might live with fewer questions, but maybe I’m just projecting onto them a certain simplicity that my life doesn’t have. Or maybe all of us spend some time at the crossroads of purpose and personal responsibility. Am I doing the right thing? For me? For the people I love? For the world?