It took me 6 months to set up my profile on OkCupid.
I opened the account and then quit the moment that I had to write a description, tried again and quit when I had to add a photo, barely tried again and quit again to decide that this just isn’t for me. Surely I can meet someone if I’m just a bit more purposeful when I am out in town.
It took a lonely Saturday night on the couch with a glass of wine to finally click “submit.”
My age group kinda sucks for dating, although I’m under no illusion that it will get any better. I’m 48 now and have everything a 48 year old has. A full time job, a bit of stature and responsibility, two grown kids off to college, plenty of experience and wisdom, a healthy dash of cynicism, and some wrinkles and sun spots and a few extra pounds. Of course the challenge here is that any guy near my age has a whole pool of interested and available women who are in the prime of their 30’s, craving a mature partner, a few kids and the start of a beautiful new chapter in life. I’d choose my 30’s if I could, it’s a tough crowd to compete with. For anyone paying real attention, the benefit of dating someone my age is that I’m old enough to be over the drama and humble enough to know that finding someone has gotten a lot harder than 10 years ago, so there is some serious gratitude and flexibility built into my search parameters. Unfortunately, there aren’t that many people searching for me and those that are, are also collecting social security checks. I don’t want retirement. With my children now making their own paths, I want to fully dive into life and to find someone who is still brave enough to experiment, excited to explore the world, eager to share dreams in the making and content with good company and deep connection. I’m thinking that it’s a brilliant moment in life really. We have the flexibility to spend long weekends in mountain cabins by the fire, to search out that “best restaurant” in each new town and actually afford to eat there. We can disengage from work for days to hike across the Himalayas or we can hunker down at home and get some work done. I’ve been living this life by myself the last many months, I’m ready to find someone to share it with, so ready!
After traveling through parts of Africa, I’m in Europe now. For the last many months I have been living the digital nomad life, joined by girl friends and my college age kids for much of it. But I’m ready now for a bit of male companionship, I’m craving someone to share my daily life with and like anyone really, I just want to feel seen and be loved. It was here in Budapest that I started my foray into OkCupid. I swiped left on most everyone, leaving them behind. I didn’t have any real criteria, a few made the cut. Sometimes it seemed to be about looks, maybe most of the time. Sometimes it was the weird stuff they wrote, like the super handsome guy that could only talk about his high powered job and how he just wanted to sweep a woman away with him – hmm, felt like a scammer and regardless, I’ll leave him for the 30 year olds. I found that I couldn’t bring myself to swipe right on the guys my age, they seemed out of my league – well, some of them, the well kept ones. It was odd how the swipe through the app is such a mind game and a confidence suck. I did manage to swipe right on some and there were a few “matches” that popped up for me but the guys never reached out and I’m still a bit old fashioned that way, I want him to do the first ask. In just a few days with the app, my “stack was empty” – this means that there is no one in my specified age group or location to search from. Uff. That sure didn’t go well. My stack stayed mostly empty for weeks, a few would pop up. I, for some reason, got even more selective rather than less. And then, this guy popped up. He wasn’t my type at all. He had big muscles, bodybuilder muscles and a prominent tattoo, but he had a gentle smile and although there wasn’t much detail on his profile, I kinda liked what he wrote. “I am known for being kind hearted, I am looking for someone who is willing to share her real feelings with me and is open to a stable, long term relationship.”
It wasn’t groundbreaking, but I could get behind that, and he used “kind” in his description. I’m looking for someone who is kind. He got my swipe right, and just a few hours later we had a match and a few hours after that he wrote, “hey beautiful!” –not my choice for the first intro note, but I can’t even begin to deny that it didn’t feel good. I wrote back.
I was straightforward right at the start, “Listen I don’t want to mislead you, I’m leaving Budapest in a few weeks.” He replied, “That’s okay, I’m just here on business, I live in California. Where will you travel to?” What a coincidence, I’m also from California! I will just be there for a week and then will head to Mexico. “Wow, you sure do get around!” he said. “If you feel like you are looking for a stable long term relationship, I’d be okay to chat and see where it goes.”
And so we started to chat. We were both busy with work but would ask and answer questions in little spurts. Easy stuff – favorite foods, places you’d like to travel. He asked me what I was looking for in a man, I answered thoughtfully…
“I haven’t thought super hard about what I want in a man, as much as what I value in a relationship, I guess. I’m very values driven and purpose driven, I care deeply about relationships and how I can contribute positively. My number one expectation of myself and a partner is around integrity (I.e doing my best to align my words and actions). I think deeply but I want my relationship to have lots of fun and light and appreciation. Honest communication, no drama, kindness always and holding someone’s soul as unique and beautiful and imperfect is something I want for myself and I want to do for someone else.
I suppose, if I’m honest and thinking more about what I find that I need in a man. I think I also very much look for safety/security – on all levels. Physical, emotional, financial.”
Wow, you write beautifully, he said.
And then he asked if I’d mind switching our chat to another platform like Whatsapp. He shared his number, I shared mine. It had been just a few days but I was already tired of the online chatting, I wanted to meet, I wanted to know face to face if this was something worth pursuing. He was leaving town for a business meeting the next day. I told him that I’d be at a local cafe all morning, if he found time before he headed out it would be good to meet up. “It’ll take us probably 10 minutes to see if there is a connection…” He said, “alright” but then never showed up. Later he sent me a picture of him on a plane, “I’m heading out now – just wanted to let you know.” Just in these few short days it felt like we had both found a place where there was someone thinking about us, the energy was palpable, the concern felt real. I knew it had only been a short time, I knew that we hadn’t met in person but I couldn’t step away from that craving need to be seen. However imperfect, this guy was thinking about me. It sure felt good.
He had gone to Turkey for business, he would come back to Budapest afterwards. I wanted details, I wanted to plan out when we would see each other. We had only chatted for 3 or 4 days now, but I needed to know. I also didn’t want to see him, If I’m honest with myself. I was nervous that he wouldn’t find me attractive. Every message to me started with “hey beautiful,” what if that isn’t how he felt when he saw the real me? My pictures were all recent, I was careful to do it that way, but they were also all just far enough away that you could see the great smile but not so much of the wrinkles or the age spots. There are so many times these days that I look in the mirror and don’t know who I’m looking at anymore. My 20 years in Mexico shows on my face, I have deep smile lines, laugh lines and life lines. I’ve been to a few cosmetology dermatologists, they all suggest that I am a perfect candidate for a face lift – “you have saggy skin” was the comment of the last guy (really dude, I can see that). But, I have enough self worth to know that it is what it is and it’s just better to rip the bandaid off and find out now rather than text ourselves silly for a month and then find out. I’ll admit though, that I made a few calls around town to see if botox could be the right thing, or a facial at least? The next appointment was more than a month away, ok – it is what it is.
He was busy on a project, it looked like he wasn’t going to make it back before I left. He had closed the deal he was working on in Budapest so then he would be here for another few months. It wasn’t looking good for us to meet in person. He said that he was really sorry but that he might try to fly out for a day to see me, it was just 2 hours away. We kept chatting. He would text me in the morning before work. “Good morning beautiful” and we would chat and flirt. When I suggested that I am always an early riser, he responded, “so, no chance I can sneak out of bed to make you breakfast?” I answered these flirts carefully with just an emoji or a few words, I was careful to not get too caught up in imagining what could be. Well, at least not to him directly… In my head we were off on adventures and cozying up in a french chateau, but I was careful to not show that I was falling hard already.
“When is your birthday?” he asked. Mine is November 10th. I responded with the date, mine was coming up soon.
He said that he was actually Dutch/Native American. What an odd and interesting mix!, I responded. He grew up in Amsterdam but lived in Long Beach. Why Long beach? I asked. He joked, “They have such great housing prices, lol.” Hmm, a down to earth international guy who travels for work, is in the construction business and has a home base in Southern California. I tell my daughter, “oh wait, and he’s my age!” – she laughs, “Well, then mom, you have to date him!” We both laugh, this feels like fun. Could I have met “the one,” on my very first try?
We keep chatting. He sends me a picture lounging in his hotel room, I send him one of me and my daughter. I invite him to come out to Budapest, I’m leading a little workshop, he could take half a day off, we could do the workshop together. He answers, “I know beautiful and it’s an amazing suggestion, but I’m at the last leg of this project and I already left it to attend the meeting in Budapest. I really want to see you, I do, darling and I know it’s going to be soon.” – and I’m annoyed. I don’t want to keep doing this, I want to know, at least to touch and feel this person in front of me, not through a screen. I mean if he flew out and we had an evening together and it wasn’t meant to be, it would still be fun. I’m annoyed, I’m also over the “beautifuls” and the “darlings,” and so I say so.
His answer is perfect.
“I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I didn’t mean to and I respect that you have told me how you feel. I am okay to consider this a budding friendship and take it slow. I’m sorry for being so forward with you, It’s just that I like you, Nicole.”
If I wasn’t going to meet him in person for a while, I at least wanted to get a better sense of him. I wanted to ask for some personal details, like his last name or a Linkedin profile. I wanted to send him mine, I wanted him to know what a good person I was. I wanted him to fall for me that way so that maybe we could already feel deeply connected when we met in person.
I decided to start with a voice note. We were talking about who you most admire. I left a voice note with my response. It was thoughtful, caring, reflected my passion and optimism, it was me in a 1 min segment. He answered, “Wow, you have an amazing voice. I had to listen to it twice, you are so inspiring…” and then he texted his response. I laughed to myself, clearly I was going to have to push a bit harder to get him to respond also in a voice note. No worries, that’s what tomorrow was for. I signed off and went to bed.
He greeted me in the morning again as he always does. We chatted, he went off to work, he was having some trouble with a machine. I left a message saying, “Hey, when you have time I’d really like to know more about this work you do. How about leaving a voice note. That could be fun.”
And then he did.
I watched the whole process. He returned from work and said hello. Said work was hard and then I watched as he recorded a message and then deleted it. “Do I have to send you a voice note?” he asked. I answered, “No, of course you don’t have to do anything if it makes you uncomfortable.” Poor guy, maybe he’s super shy or maybe he has a really high pitched voice from all the steroids it looks like he’s taken. I’m curious though, this feels like a big thing.
He sends the note. I look at it on my screen and I realize that this is quite a significant moment. What if I don’t like him? ugh, that would suck. I turn off the TV so I can give it my full attention. I hit play.
And then I burst out laughing, I can’t help myself. He has a heavy accent, middle eastern of sorts it seems to me. Reminds me of somewhere. Morocco maybe? I had just been traveling there. But… It was very clear, this guy’s not dutch, he’s definitely not American. I was a little bit shocked, you’ve got to be kidding. To make it all just add up, the entire message is about how he needs money to pay the mechanic for the machine that broke and how his credit card isn’t working. I laugh again out loud, doesn’t he realize that half of the world has now watched the Netflix show, “Tinder Swindler?” – this guy was the low rent version. I was still laughing. I have a dutch friend, I sent his note to her. This guys not dutch, right? She responded – “definitely not, he sounds not french but like he comes from a place where they speak french.” Morocco! And then it clicked, the darlings and sweethearts that were so quick off his tongue were just the same as nearly every guy I met on my travels there.
I know that deep down I was disappointed but at the moment, I just couldn’t stop laughing. But then, I started to process this. Oh shit, what does he know about me? Mostly nothing I think, just my phone number and my first name. I had promised myself and my kids that I would be careful. I hadn’t told him where I worked although I very much wanted to. Oh wait, he has my birthdate! I google quickly about internet safety and what people can do. One of the first signs of a scammer is that they will ask you to move the chat off the platform, and at some point they will ask for your birth date. Shit! I google his phone number and name -nothing, some chinese letters pop up. I google my first name and phone number – and there it is. First returned result. My full name, where I work, the address, my phone number and personal contact information. It was a listing for Idealist.org
The irony took me a moment to absorb.
I went back to his profile on OkCupid, it has a green dot next to it. It always did when I looked at it, but now I was curious what that dot meant. I googled it. It means he is active on the platform. Oh shit (again), it’s not just me he is trying to scam, it’s everyone. Poor guy whose image and identity he already swiped, that guy seemed like he could be a good guy. I report him right away on OkCupid. They say the reports are anonymous, although the moment I hit send, he disappears from my listings, I imagine that I disappear from his too – maybe not so anonymous.
I answer something mild on Whatsapp and go to bed. I can’t decide, should I block him or should I see what happens next? I figure I’ll sleep on it.
The next morning I get a very simple “good morning nicole.” I answer simply back, “good morning. Hope you have a nice day.” I imagine that he knows, or that he’s been blocked by OkCupid and is suspicious. I don’t really care anymore, I just haven’t quite bothered to block him. The day goes by and nothing.
I had woken up sick. Feeling like covid sick; a headache, stuffy chest, achy bones, miserable. I don’t want to admit it but I’m disappointed. I’m also embarrassed, how did I get sucked in? I’m a smart person, I was being careful, how did I imagine that this guy was something worthwhile? All the little details that I had ignored started to pop. The way he seemed like he was busy, or multi-tasking when we were texting. The way that he’d sometimes assume that he’d said something and then wonder why I asked, and then realize he hadn’t said it (to me). The way he’d ask how I was and then sometimes ask again an hour later, as though he hadn’t seen the message or remembered he’d already asked. Hmm…, all those little things can be explained away quite easily if he’s chatting with multiple women – hard to keep your story straight. I imagined them in other ways – busy businessman, distracted with work calls, tired at the end of the day. Uff. I’m completely blown away by how sucked in I was so quick. Seriously, are you that desperate Nicole?
The next day he writes again. I feel better and I’m over it by now. Just annoyed and a little vengeful maybe. He gets straight to the point and asks for emergency financial help to fix this machine, he is so sorry to do so. I have another laugh and then I realize that maybe I should play the game. Wouldn’t it be smart to have some info from him, a bank account maybe? It feels a little bit good to torture him by imagination that he might actually get some money, just like I was a bit tortured by imagination that someone was interested. I message back, now fully in the game.
Martin: I’m just desperate for a little assistance and as soon as I get paid my balance I’ll simply reimburse the person
Martin: What about you Nicole, will you be able to help me out?
Nicole: I don’t know you Martin and you haven’t bothered to meet me in person so it doesn’t feel quite right. Sorry.
Martin: Please I don’t mind sending any document you have, and I’ll even agree to paying back with interest
Martin: I just need assistance Nicole, And I know this is embarrassing of me to even ask you when we haven’t met yet but that’s just how bad I need this. Please think about it
Martin: I’m pleading
Nicole: How would that even work?
Martin: If you help me, you can send me the money directly to the mechanic’s account, he will buy the parts and fix the machine. It’s the only thing delaying my work. As soon as I’m done I’ll get paid my balance which is 300k and I’ll pay you back and start coming over to Budapest. I’m really desperate Nicole and I know it’s not a good sight but I can’t let everything I worked hard for just go down the drain
Nicole: Maybe if we had met in person but this just doesn’t feel right. Sorry but I don’t think I can help you.
Martin: Please Nicole I’m literally begging, God knows I’ll help anybody that came to me this way, I don’t know why I always end up with the short straw when I need help. Just think about it please. I swear on my mother’s grace you won’t regret helping me, I can promise you that
Nicole: Send me the details and I’ll think about it. Send me some sort of legal commitment letter too with your name on it, not the mechanics.
Martin: Okay so I should send the mechanics account details and a legal commitment letter with my name right
Nicole: Yes but I’m not promising anything
Martin: I understand , this is hope to me. I know you aren’t promising but I swear you won’t regret helping me out I swear it. I’ll get everything to you before the end of the day. Thank you so much Nicole, for giving me hope. Thank you.
At this point the whole things is so stupid and pathetic, I’m getting bored and even more embarrassed that I ever imagined that this could be something.
Martin: Hello Nicole, please I’ll need your full name to address the letter to formally, today’s Sunday but my translator was able to pull a few strings and I was able to find a law firm
Martin: Please respond, I’m here with the lawyer
Nicole: Not sure how I feel about that and not sure I’m gonna do this. Why don’t you send me your Id with a photo that matches your profile.
Martin: But I’m here right now with the lawyer Nicole, please I’m doing all that you ask because of how desperate I am for assistance , don’t make it too complicated for me I will send you my ID if that’s what you want, I’m sorry I’m stressing you with my problem but I promise you won’t regret helping me out. I am sure that in the very near future we would be having coffee or a glass of wine over this
Nicole: Pretty much everyone legit has ID. Sorry, that’s a basic request not a complicated one.
Martin: Sure i do, just wanted to know if I should cancel the appointment with the lawyer and go back to the apartment to get the ID for you or I should proceed with the letter and send the ID as well
Martin: Because I’m here already
Nicole: Go about it however you want.
Martin: Ok then , I will finish with the letter and when I get back to the apartment I’ll send you the ID, I still do need your full name for the letter
Martin: Are you there Nicole?
Martin: Hello Nicole, the lawyer is getting impatient , please so I can get the commitment letter, I know this is difficult for you me asking you for help like this and putting my hope on you, if I had any other option I would take it , I’m really pleading with you, help me out please
Nicole: Martin, the lawyer would need your name and ID also. If you can’t provide that for me and meet me in person then I’m not able to help you. Sorry.
Martin: Yes of course I gave him my passport number, alright no problem I’m going back to the apartment I’ll send you my ID
Martin: Hello Nicole
The driver’s license is spectacular. There are so many things wrong with it that I am at once relieved that I’m dealing with a total novice, and a tiny bit soft at how hard he must have tried. Poor guy.
But, I have had my fill with the insanity. Time to move on. I export the chat to my email, just in case I need it for something. I report and block him on Whatsapp and all disappears and goes dark. Silence. I’m alone again. Rough start to online dating but at least I have a funny story and as a friend pointed out, “it can really only get better from here.” OkCupid, let’s see who’s next!